Child to Parent Violence (CPV)

Child-to-parent violence (CPV) is not a new issue, but it is still often misunderstood and steeped in shame.

There is a lot of information available about violence towards children with disabilities, while less is known about violence from children to adults, particularly their parents, guardians, and carers.

This is starting to change, with more research being undertaken. A comprehensive needs assessment of child-to-parent violence and abuse in London was conducted in 2022 by the Mayor of London’s Violence Reduction Unit. You can read the assessment here.

In this study, it was found that there was a lack of awareness among parents, carers, young people, and professionals about the issue, which has led to an inconsistent and patchwork provision of support for families.

In this article, we look at what CPV is, whether it differs in children with disabilities, things you can do to address CPV, and what other support is available to you.

What is Child-to-Parent Violence?

There is currently no legal definition of child-to-parent violence, but it is usually constructed from other forms of domestic abuse.

Typically, it is referred to as a pattern of physical, psychological, and emotional behaviour seen in children and adolescents who cannot regulate their feelings in other ways, or have a great need to gain control over their parents or carers.

Violence from children can be shown in a variety of ways:

• Threats of violence –  intimidation and sustaining a fear of violence.
• Physical violence – hitting, kicking, biting, and spitting.
• Verbal aggression – shouting, swearing, and offensive language.
• Emotional abuse – humiliating language, lying, withholding affection, threatening to run away, or hurt themselves, and relentlessly pursuing parents around the home.
• Financial abuse – stealing, destroying property, and demanding expensive items.

If a child you care for is behaving in these ways, it is likely that your behaviour will also change. You may:

• Fear for your physical safety.
• Fear the child will hurt themselves.
• Feel like you need to ‘walk on eggshells’ in your own home.
• Be worried about the consequences of not complying with demands.
• Fear the child may hurt pets, property, or other siblings.
• Be worried about other people finding out and blaming you.
• Be worried that services will think you are a bad parent and can’t ‘control’ your own child.
• Lie about and minimise the child’s behaviour.
• Have arguments with other people about the situation.
• Become increasingly anxious, depressed, and withdrawn.

Why is my child violent?

Most children with disabilities are no more violent or aggressive than any other child. However, some children may feel a lot of frustration related to their disability. This frustration may be shown through violence, aggression, or self-harming behaviours, such as banging their head or cutting their skin.

The anger or frustration of toddlers is usually reactive or impulsive in response to something that has happened to them, such as having a toy taken away. As children grow and develop more advanced language, social skills, and planning ability, proactive or planned aggressive behaviour may become more common.

Generally, there are four main functions of CPV:

1. To get attention
2. To get something tangible
3. To avoid doing something
4. To get a sensory response

But, there are many reasons a child might become violent or aggressive, including:

• Frustrations
• Unmet emotional and psychological needs
• Emotional overload
• Unidentified special education needs and disabilities
• To gain control
• To stop something from happening
• To alert you that they need or want attention
• They lack the skills to problem-solve and communicate effectively
• The ability to control impulses has not developed yet

What can we do?

One complication of CPV is that there’s no set way to respond; what works for one family may not work for another. Children’s behaviours, emotions, and responses don’t replicate each other; this is even more prevalent with disabled children. But, according to the Challenging Behaviour Foundation, children who get the right support early in childhood can reduce the severity and frequency of challenging behaviour, and improve their quality of life.

Before implementing a strategy for the child, it is important to:

1. Understand your child’s ability to control their behaviour

It is important to establish if the child has control over the behaviour. Are they making a choice to behave this way?

One way of knowing this is observing whether the child is violent or aggressive in all situations and with all people, or do they only act that way with certain people or in certain situations? Just as we may see an adult being abusive towards their spouse behind closed doors but not displaying these tendencies at work or in social settings, it is plausible for a child to become violent or aggressive only towards those within their family.

If the child has the ability to choose who they are aggressive with, they also have the ability to choose whether to be aggressive or not.

2. Understand the triggers 

Are there particular places, events, or objects that the child responds to violently?

Most children are sensitive about certain things or get stressed about certain events. With disabled children, this sensitivity can be enhanced. For example, sensitivity to loud noises, bright colours, or certain textures. Understanding what triggers the child can help reduce the behaviours by removing or reducing the trigger where possible.

3. Are environmental factors involved?

Consider whether the child’s environment might contribute to their behaviour. If violent and aggressive behaviour is prominent in a certain place, for example at home or at school, then you may want to look at ways of modifying the environment to help them.

A common problem can be loud spaces where the child is unable to think due to the noise. You can consider getting ear defenders if this is the case.

4. Have there been any physical changes?

If the child’s behaviour is new or sudden then it may be due to physical changes your child is experiencing, for example, puberty pains or a toothache. If your child finds it difficult to communicate, it might not be easy for them to tell you about their pain and difficult for you to know what they are experiencing.

5. Have social changes impacted the child’s behaviour?

Social changes can also impact on a child’s behaviour. For example, changes in their routine or in their relationships.

If you suspect that social changes are affecting the child, you might want to consider using a social story to help explain any changes to them in a way that helps them to understand.

Violence reduction strategy

Once you have considered your child’s environment, ability, and triggers, you can work on a strategy to reduce violent and aggressive behaviours:

• Keep calm – try not to react to aggressive behaviour with aggressive behaviour. Children look to their parents about how to act. If you respond with anger, it will likely end in further upset and frustration.
• Praise – Praise good behaviour. Praise is a great motivator for children of all ages and will help to reinforce when they are doing something positive.
• Consequences – If your child understands consequences, then it’s important to discuss the consequences of bad behaviour before they misbehave, for example, they might have a toy confiscated for a certain period.
• Distraction – For some children, distraction can help stop aggressive behaviour. This could be using a favourite toy, taking the child to a calm, quiet space, or singing to them.
• Help your child to communicate – Often communication difficulties cause frustration which leads to aggression. If they have a Speech and Language Therapist, ask them for advice on the best communication methods to help. If your child can communicate but struggles to articulate their feelings, sitting down and talking through their emotions might help.
• Keep a diary – If you’re finding it difficult to establish the cause of the child’s behaviour then keeping a diary might help you to notice patterns and find a trigger. You can also ask your child’s teacher or those who support them to do the same.
• Behavioural chart – Behaviour can help motivate children. Sometimes something as simple as a sticker every day is enough to help improve behaviour. At the end of the day or the end of the week, you could use a simple reward as a ‘well done’, such as time spent doing an activity they enjoy.
• Play therapy and expression techniques – play therapy, exercise, and expression techniques can be used in various ways to help a child channel their aggression into something else that doesn’t cause harm. For example, creating art to express how they feel or dancing to release energy.

Should I report my child?

Once you have a good understanding of the child’s triggers, have made any appropriate changes, and have worked on a personalised strategy, hopefully, the child’s violence and aggression will be reduced to a more manageable level. Unfortunately, there will be cases where the behaviour continues and outside intervention may be necessary.

It is incredibly difficult to consider reporting a child’s behaviour to external agencies; The Mayor of London’s study found that at least 40% of parents or carers who experienced violence by their children refused to report it.

There can be a misconception across society that child-to-parent violence is a symptom of parental failure, and abusive behaviours are highly stigmatised. Parents and carers can feel immense shame and isolation, which prevents them from seeking support.

There are several reasons for child violence being underreported:

• Shame
• Feeling like a failure
• Stigma
• Fear of the child being removed from the home
• Not wanting to criminalise the child
• Isolation
• Lack of support
• Lack of knowledge – not knowing where to report

As hard as it can be to consider reporting a child, it is important to address violent behaviours when children are young; It is likely that unaddressed behaviour in childhood will become more prevalent during adulthood.

Help and Toolkits

There are agencies and toolkits out there that can help you:

• Newbold Hope– works with parents and professionals to reduce difficult and dangerous behaviour in children with a disability or an additional need. Newbold Hope is entirely run by parents who have been through this with their children and their approach is based on what they know has already worked successfully for their families.
• PEGS -is committed to supporting parents, carers, and guardians impacted by Child-to-Parent Violence through a range of online services. They aim to create safe places online where you can talk openly about your experiences, where you will always be listened to and never judged.
• Autism Speaks has challenging behaviour tool kits that will provide strategies and resources to address behaviours and help support you during difficult situations.
• The Challenging Behaviour Foundation has guides and toolkits on positive behaviour support here, and information sheets on person-centred support here.

If you have any comments, ideas, or suggestions about this article please contact us at [email protected]

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